


Honey Whiskey

by starzipans (freeyuugazaki)



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fix-It, Mutual Pining, Self-Indulgent, hope u like it lol, or is it......, pre part 2, set in jackson, when i get there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:34:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24125212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freeyuugazaki/pseuds/starzipans
Summary: "I think I'd better go before I try something I might regret."Joel goes to a dance and is forced to confront feelings he'd rather repress.Recently partially rewritten! Lets go fuck a DILF.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Joel (The Last of Us)/Reader, Maria/Tommy (The Last of Us)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 102





	1. This Party's Pretty Boring

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT: the line breaks denote a change in tense - this fic constantly jumps between joel's memories and the current situation and although the tense changes with it i though it'd be a more obvious formatting choice to just whack a line in instead of hoping u caught the tense change. 
> 
> this is massively inspired by and based on the song honey whiskey by nothing but thieves  
> which is a bop btw
> 
> also worth noting, reader is 19 in the earliest parts of this fic - yes it is addressed, even though this is legal age p much everywhere a 30 year age gap is a little uhhhh uncomfy so if you don't like that then now is your chance to jump ship
> 
> anyway im in love with a grumpy old man enjoy

Jackson is ablaze with the fiery colour of laughter floating in the air, the visual noise of the twinkling fairy lights outside the hall adding a warm and welcome haze to the sides of Joel’s vision. An old sofa outside is a soft temporary home to 4 young children, all squished in together in a mess of mis-stacked arms and legs, like clothes falling out of a dryer. Joel almost cracks a smile at the way they’re tangled together. Ellie walks ahead. The two of them don’t talk much any more.

* * *

When she came over, a stout knock on his door and a deep breath in when he opened it, he knew he didn’t want anything to do with whatever it was she’d come to ask him for. This happened once a month or so - Ellie would come over and ask Joel to be more social; come and hunt, come and eat. The answer was always no. It wasn’t that Joel didn’t like living in Jackson, but since him and Ellie had first moved there, things had changed. The town stayed firmly in its golden time zone as everyone in it crawled on. 5 years ago, Joel had dug his feet in, and Ellie ran forward.

He was left behind as she made her own friends, her own way, made her own kills and her own bow and her own special brand of humour. She was getting on well, and as good as it was to see after everything she’d been through, Joel couldn’t help but feel like he’d lost the only person close to him. Of course there was someone else, but he didn’t want to let himself wander down the lush path his mind conjured you as. His entire life had been a dark dirt road at the edge of a busy highway, and walking headfirst into dense green forest at this point was like giving up. But that promise of paradise was always there, taunting him for being so afraid of taking it. Most of the time he managed to tune it out; other times he was not so lucky.

* * *

Joel snaps out of his reverie and back to the beckoning warmth of the hall his feet are carrying him towards. It’s cold, he notes, visible exhales highlighting the heat he’s losing to the winter air. Snow catches on his boots as he walks, but he can barely hear it crunch under his weight for the chatter and music from the building in front of him. Digging his hands deep into his pockets, he forces himself to look up. You’re standing in the warmly lit doorway like an angel silhouetted against its own halo, gazing towards him with a fond smile. He knows you’re smiling at Ellie, and stops himself from looking at you any longer, pausing a while away from where you’re glowing on the porch.

“You’ve left it a little late tonight, Ellie!”

Amber fuzz obscures his full vision of you, but Joel has seen you and Ellie talk enough to imagine the soft look you’re giving her. You aren’t that much older than her – Joel isn’t sure, but maybe 24? There’s more of an age difference between the two of you than most of Ellie’s friends, but it hasn’t stopped the formation of a nigh unbreakable bond. Joel smiles to himself at a distant memory. Almost the second they’d settled in Jackson after… the hospital… You were there to help her ease into the Jackson lifestyle. You hadn’t been there long yourself at that point, so it was comforting to Ellie that at least she wasn’t being frowned upon for not already knowing things. From the get-go it was clear Ellie honoured you as she would a sister and would follow you anywhere, which was endearing for Joel to watch develop. It doesn’t escape him that this is part of the reason he hates the way he thinks of you. You’re too young and too close to family. He shakes his head outwardly at apparently nothing and keeps his distance. You probably haven’t noticed him yet anyway.

If you did, would you call out his name? He remembers when you’d come round to collect Ellie, and you’d call him ‘Mr. Miller’, the wide-eyed blush when he told you _Joel_ was fine. Hearing his name fall off your tongue for the first time – had you meant for it to sound like that? _Joel_ …

“Joel? Ha, is that you?”

Tommy’s brash voice drags Joel all but kicking and screaming out of his waking dream and forces him to focus on the advancing form of his brother. He forces half a smile.

“Been a while since I saw you out here, what’s gotten into you?” Tommy asks, half joking, as a guise to finally connect with the most emotionally distant man he knows - maybe he’ll answer if it’s not a sincere question. Joel shakes his head with a slight laugh, meant as a reassurance.

“Nothin’ much really, just chaperonin’ her majesty here.” Joel gestures vaguely in Ellie’s direction. Trademark ‘fuck you’ thrown behind her, Ellie walks into the hall behind your retreating figure, chatting away. Joel misses your presence in his periphery and instinctively looks after your retreating figure. A sudden weight in his hand brings his vision to a full bottle Tommy is handing him – there’s no label on it, but it’s sealed with what looks to be one of the oldest corks on earth. With little effort on his part, Joel looks at Tommy in confusion. His brother doesn’t miss the slight crease of irritation in Joel’s brow. Must have interrupted something. He carries on regardless.

“Honey Whiskey – latest batch,” Tommy begins. There is pride in his voice that Joel picks up on right away, and a genuine smile forms. It feels foreign.

“Thought you’d like some. Mason brewed it up a couple weeks back, just been waitin’ for a chance to give it to you.” A lot of things poise ready to leap out of Joel’s mouth, and he presses his lips into a tight line. _I’m sorry I don’t come out much, I miss you, it’s nice to see you again, thanks for helping Ellie out with patrols..._

“Thanks.” It is polite but empty.

Still, it seems to satisfy Tommy – much as a single bite would satisfy the starving – and a warm hand claps Joel’s back to lead him into the hall. There’s a heavy atmosphere of closeness which surrounds Joel as he enters, not quite touching him but shadowing his every move, relentlessly reminding him it’s there. He’s not drinking alone with his brother no matter how much he wishes he was - he can’t avoid anyone if they come over to him, he can’t get out of this. The mere presence of other people enjoying their night shouldn’t put him on edge, but he can’t help but feel like the rarity of his appearance will increase the attention it brings. Does this mean he should want to come more often, or not at all?

“Maybe with that you’ll be able to have fun for once.” Tommy laughs. It’s clearly a joke, and Joel cracks a smile at the idea that his brother’s last resort to get him in a good mood is alcohol. Maybe it should have been concerning, but there is enough understanding between them that Tommy’s intentions are impossible to misunderstand. He knows Joel’s mind, he knows how much it holds on to, and he knows how much he needs to let go of. A glass is slid Joel’s way along the counter, and he looks up to his brother holding his own glass. Without a word, he pops the cork off the gifted bottle of whiskey and pours away. It’s more than he would have poured 25 years ago, but can anyone blame him?

“Cheers!” Tommy smiles, and it’s genuine.

“Cheers.” Joel replicates the same smile with a fraction of the feeling before the glasses click together, almost inaudible over the mirth around them, and with a cold touch to his lips Joel takes his first hard drink in years. Whiskey isn’t refreshing, even when chilled. It warms, and the sweetness of the honey reminds him of better times - of clean sheets and warm nights, soft hair, bright eyes and a lush green forest…


	2. The Air Is Getting So Thin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oooooh he's ~ 𝔀 𝓲 𝓫 𝓫 𝓵 𝔂 ~

Someone shouts at the other end of the bar and Tommy has moved away by the time Joel manages to refocus his consciousness. The volume of the hall has significantly decreased. How long has he been in his own thoughts?

A quick look down the bar to the outside area proves to Joel that somehow he’s lost track of time in the blink of an eye. All of the children and their parents have gone to bed, the hall’s population being reduced to the few teenagers allowed out late and people like him, without a family of their own besides the one they found in Jackson. He’s been drinking in a trance, apparently – a half empty bottle rests on the bar in front of him, Tommy is nowhere to be seen, and he realises he’s been absent-mindedly fiddling with its accompanying cork in his free hand. He vaguely remembers Tommy mentioning going to see Maria, but… How long ago was that? When he decides to peer over his shoulder it hits him just how much he’s had to drink. The walls blur slightly at the edges and for the first time in 25 years Joel’s eyes finally allow him those rose-coloured lenses everyone always talks about. Right at the centre of the whole distortion is you; crystal clear.

* * *

It’s like the day he first saw you. There’s a deep disgust at his own mind when he realises you must have only been 19 or so at the time, but he doesn’t let it cloud his tunnel vision. Ellie had been pestering for a while to go to one of the dances held in the main hall. Call him old fashioned, but Joel didn’t particularly like the idea of a barely 15 year old girl in a room full of drunk adults. Now he looks back, he was definitely overbearing when they first came to Jackson, and it only put more distance between them. A regret for another time.

Joel reluctantly took Ellie to one of the weekly get-togethers for the first time after living in Jackson for about 3 months. He didn’t know many residents despite living there a while, since he was mainly designated night watch and early hunting jobs. This wasn’t a complaint - he gladly took those roles as not many others wanted to, which meant quiet nights for him. Ellie knew other kids her age but was unsure about making friends, although it seemed she’d found a fast one in a girl called Dina. She didn’t talk about her much, but Joel could pick out the change of inflection in Ellie’s voice when she did.

Joel had walked Ellie to the hall early in the night. He watched her as she walked ahead, too eager to wait for him, and thought deeply on what he was doing. Perhaps if this was his first step in giving her some slack on the leash, he should go the whole way. Would she _want_ him to leave her completely alone? He remembered how her eyes sparkled when he’d finally given in and told her to put her shoes on. In the end Joel stayed at the bar for a few minutes after they got there to make sure Ellie was in good company, and then walked back home.

It got much later in the night than Joel should have let it before going out to get her. It would have been pitch black outside if not for the far-reaching glow of the hall’s fairy lights across the dirt road, the moon invisible behind heavy clouds. With a deep breath in as he stepped outside, Joel confirmed the likelihood of rain in the morning. By his guess, it was about 1am, and by the sounds of it the hall was almost empty. Panic stabbed at his heart like the tiniest pinprick, picked up by his acute senses and amplified by the dozens of worst case scenarios his nihilistic tendencies made available on demand.

He walked to the hall at a faster pace than usual, dirt and grass wet underfoot, and heard a light trickle of laughter come from inside. It didn’t sound like Ellie. Would she have gone somewhere else for the night without telling him? Surely not… But where else could she be?

The luminous doorway quickly approached and Joel steeled himself to confront whoever remained about Ellie’s whereabouts, instead finding his answer immediately as the door swung open. There she was in your arms, safe and happy, beaming up at you as she followed your lead around the hall. Neither you or Ellie had noticed his entrance, too caught up giggling at each other. It was the first time in a while that Joel had seen her smile like that.

She was on makeshift rollerskates – some old converse with wheels haphazardly bolted onto the soles - struggling to keep balance against your taller frame as you dragged her around the room the the tune of the waltz you hummed. It sounded nice, and Joel wondered somewhere in the back of his mind what your singing voice sounded like. He shook his head and steeled himself. It was hard to force himself into the situation. Something about it was so pure he didn’t want to interrupt, and yet he couldn’t suppress that nagging feeling in the back of his mind. He didn’t know you, and he couldn’t trust you with Ellie – no matter how happy she seemed. Or how lovely you looked.

“Ellie.”

It broke the atmosphere immediately. The warmth of the room fell away in shattered pieces at his feet and Joel felt as if he’d stumbled into something incredibly private and torn it apart. Ellie looked at him almost like she expecting to be chastised for enjoying herself, and of course Joel planned to confront her on her time management, but you… You were looking at him with nothing but the same love you’d just shown Ellie. The mood might have fallen away from the room but it stayed suspended in the light in your eyes, glassy with joy, staring right through him.

Time was irrelevant and Joel felt a little like he skipped dimension as you blinked in slow motion, eyelashes brushing the rosy tops of your cheeks, a tiny piece of hair slipping down onto your forehead, a small flex of your fingers as you placed them on Ellie’s head in a gentle ruffle. And then just like that he was thrown violently back into the present when you spoke.

“Sorry Mr. Miller, we lost track of time.”

Joel didn’t know who you were, but you clearly knew him. The innocence and over-politeness in the way you addressed him felt like a hard punch to the stomach. His face softened without his command, uncontrollably even, and he was forced to admit defeat.

“No, no it’s…” a deep sigh before he continued. “It’s alright. Bedtime now though kiddo, let’s get a move on.”

You smiled at him like you were proud, and it hurt a little, so he looked away. But it echoed through his body, a chorus of every fibre of his being screaming at him that he needed you near him at all times. To want more of you after having so little was wildly alarming. Ellie walked over with a small goodbye to you and continued directly past Joel without a word, clearly preparing for some lecture on the way home. Little did she know Joel was too preoccupied in his own thoughts to even attempt talking about anything but you. He kept his mouth tightly shut, gave one last curt nod your way, avoiding eye contact, and turned to leave. The two of them walked home in silence. He knew he’d regret sending Ellie to this dance.

From then on he saw a lot of you - coming to collect Ellie from the doorstep every morning the two of you were working together, walking her home after the day’s end, and even joining them for dinner once. You were unbelievably polite, to the point where Joel wasn’t sure exactly who you were as a person behind all the respect. He highly doubted that it was your entire personality; you made Ellie laugh way too much to be a constantly gracious, courteous person. He caught himself staring at you from across the hall, across the street, waiting to see that mask of civility crack, but he never caught it. Thankfully, you never caught him doing it either.

* * *

And now he finds himself staring at you again, unable to look away. Ellie is taller than you now. She doesn’t need rollerskates to keep up with you. She is just as happy in your arms as before, the same pure little bubbles of laughter making their way over to Joel from across the room. It’s been a long time since he heard Ellie laugh. He wonders if you’re humming again. The band left a while ago and now just one lone guitar sits in the corner of the room. The sight makes Joel’s fingers itch a little. It’s been a while…

He allows himself a hesitant glance back to your face like a second look at a beautiful car accident. There is a morbid curiosity in him that yearns for the way you make him feel - like he’s inches off the edge of a cliff and looking straight down into clear water. He knows it won’t hurt to fall but there’s fear in him that he can’t ignore, and its holding him back, freezing him in place. Your lips are moving. You must be singing, he realises. Ellie is far luckier than she knows.

“She’s happy.”

The sudden voice next to Joel startles him and in his inebriation he is unable to hide it. Dina laughs at his startle and goes to pat Joel’s shoulder, retracting her hand at the halfway mark out of uncertain respect for a man she knows to have uncountable valid boundaries.

“Sorry, I’m Dina. I don’t know if Ellie’s mentioned me…” her words trail off and Joel rolls his eyes a little.

“Never shuts up.” Joel mutters, and the girl next to him laughs. It’s half snort and all endearing, but he catches the blush she’s trying to hide with her hands. Maybe he overlooked some things Ellie had said…

“I was gonna walk her home tonight, but I guess if you’re here I’ve been relieved of that duty.” Dina sighs. There’s a smile there to sell it as a joke, but a certain longing sadness in her eyes that Joel catches. It’s easily recognisable and too relatable for comfort, so he looks away with a sigh.

“It’s about her bedtime anyway if y’ask me. Go get ‘er.” The alcohol pulls the accent out of Joel and Dina is shocked at the fact he’s not only allowing her to walk Ellie home, but telling her to do it on his behalf. With another look at his posture - the way he’s leaning back against the bar and his head rolling slightly every now and then - maybe it’s for the best. Joel takes another mouthful of the whiskey his glass and appreciates the burn in his throat as he swallows. It’s punctuated perfectly by the honey distilled into it, like an ellipsis in taste form. When he looks back up you’re handing Ellie off to her friend with a wistful smile. And then again, it’s just like before.

Your eyes move naturally over to his, with that same shine as was there 5 years ago. He can’t believe it’s been that long. Your hair is a little shorter, and you’ve put on a little bit of weight. It’s rounded your hips a little, he notes, and immediately looks away. Now isn’t the time, but it looks good on you. Dina takes Ellie’s arm linked in hers, smiling wide, and as Ellie leaves she spares a glance in Joel’s direction. It’s felt but not acknowledged. His eyes and mind are both preoccupied. The whole room is on stilts. The few other people there are clinging to the edges and you stand dead in the center, gazing straight through his skin to his beating heart. Your eyelashes brush your cheeks and you smile a little bigger, a greeting almost, and start walking over to him.

This hasn’t happened before. He’s never been forced to acknowledge you as much more than a 5 second fever dream, the stain on the insides of his eyelids he can’t get out, that feeling of impending euphoria right before lightning strikes you dead on. Not now, not while he’s like this. He can’t stop himself from staring, never mind saying something unthinkable to you in a moment of drunken amazement that you’re even speaking to him.

Before he can even process what’s happening you’re right next to him, taking a seat on the little wooden stool at the bar to his right. The back broke off a while ago, so you perch facing the middle of the room like he is. Ellie is long gone. Around 10 people litter the floor, standing in clumps around the edges. It’s just you and him as far as his drunk brain is convinced.

“Haven’t seen you here before,” You say, and he’s a little hurt. Do you not remember that night? For him, the first time you met has been a persistent fever dream, and you don’t even remember it?

  
“Not for yourself anyway.”

So you do remember. He can’t stop the smile that reaches his face. You notice it, he can see it in your eyes as you scan him over. It’s terrifying. He takes another drink and relishes again the grounding scratch it leaves on its way down his throat.

“Figured I should watch her this time.” He says, with a light joking tone. You laugh like he hopes you will and it’s a divine choir to his sinner’s ears.

“That was 4 years ago, Joel.” There’s a grin on your face designed to tease him, and it’s working.   
“It’s 5, actually.” He taunts, and smiles against the glass he presses to his lips to hide it. You’re smiling too. The air feels thinner in the hall. Maybe the cold is creeping in from outside, maybe you are actively stealing it from his lungs. It feels like that.

“She comes here a lot now, I’m still always looking for you walking in behind her.” Your eyes crinkle at the sides when you smile at him and he catches the small blush on your cheeks. Hell, he almost even mirrors it himself when he thinks about you staring longingly after Ellie to see if he’s joining her.   
“I usually just wait outside afterwards, Ellie don’t exactly seem to want me chaperonin’ her these days.”

He meant it as a joke, but the memory comes flooding back. The feeling hits him dead in the heart like it did before and he has to shift in his chair to displace the sudden heaviness he feels. You’re looking at him like he’s a sick dog. He doesn’t want your pity.  
“It ain’t a bad thing, I just-“

“Did something happen between the two of you?” You interrupt him, and he can tell that his expression has darkened without his intent when your eyes widen and you stumble to correct yourself.  
“I’m sorry, it’s not my place to ask,” Your voice trails off and so does your gaze, staring off to the other end of the room, the way your body’s facing. Joel could have sworn you were turned towards him earlier. Maybe he was imagining it.  
“She just… Doesn’t seem as happy any more. I know she moved out back and I was just… Wondering, I guess.”

Joel leans back against the bar and sighs, dragging his hand over his face. He looks at you as his fingers finish their run over his chin and watches your eyes follow them intently. The consequent hard swallow is ignored, subconsciously, for his own good. Joel grits his teeth and prepares to bold-faced lie through them. Fortunately it’s not his first rodeo.  
“You know how it is. Kids grow up and they want their own space,”

His hand takes its usual dishonest stance on the back of his neck, rubbing his hairline soothingly as you look at him with pinched brows.  
“Just giving her some distance, to do what she wants with it. She ain’t my daughter, after all…”

Your eyes feel heavy on him and Joel looks anywhere but at you. It’s too much for him right now. Coming up with a decent enough excuse was already more than he thought he was capable of in this state, how is he meant to stop himself from indulging his eyes in more than a fleeting glance at you.

“She loves you, Joel.” 

Something about those words from your mouth… He knows he’d have reprimanded – hell, even _berated_ anyone else for thinking they knew enough about him and Ellie to say that to him. As far as he knows you don’t have the slightest idea what either Joel or Ellie have been through, and yet at a time like this when he’s never felt so far away from her, it’s the most comforting thing he thinks he’s heard in 25 years. And at the exact moment he thinks he might be ready to allow himself some comfort, he looks up again.

Joel’s eyes meet yours and they’re glowing with something he knows all too well. It’s like a dream come true and his worst nightmare all at once, and with a grimace he stands and turns to the bar.

Considering how blurred everything is, he’s surprised when he doesn’t stumble. He takes the cork he’s been holding for what must be the last 3 hours and puts it neatly and firmly back in the top of the heavily drained bottle, then tucks it into his coat pocket. Your face has changed a little. You’re confused, and mildly concerned. He ignores you completely, and walks to the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate using y/n in fics bc i think it's the most annoying immersion breaking thing ever but if it feels weird let me know


	3. I Think I'd Better Go...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> d r a m a

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter had the biggest update, it's now mostly flashback lol
> 
> hated the whole 'first touch' thing i had written before bc it was dumb and cliche and the chapter was way too short
> 
> so here's a bit of drama, slight yandere!joel but we won't look into it too much lmaooo
> 
> timeline explanation at the end if all the skipping around is confusing!

The brisk winter evening hits his face and is refreshing before it’s bitter. He regrets leaving, but aware that he’d regret staying more, Joel makes sure steps through the snow towards his house a hundred or so metres away.

“Joel!” You cry, and the distress in your voice seems more than he’s owed. He doesn’t stop walking, but you catch up anyway.

“Joel!” You repeat, “Where are you going?” He sighs lightly at your seemingly pointless panic.  
“Home.” He grunts, and your hand grips his bicep immediately. He turns on you and ends up far too close, the fog from both of your exhales mingling in the small space between you. It isn’t unnoticed; he watches your eyes flick to his lips as you think of your next sentence.

“Can we… Can you walk me home?” You say, and it’s so quiet that he almost doesn’t hear the hopeful lilt at the end. He should have left sooner. With a deep exhale as wordless acceptance, you take Joel at his nod and turn towards your own house. It’s not particularly out of the way – Jackson is a small community – but he knows there’s no reason for him to do this. Virtually no one is out, and even had the streets been busy, surely no harm could befall you within the walls.

Content just to walk beside him without conversation, you keep your hand wrapped tightly around his arm. Your body heat seeps through his jacket and sears his skin, but Joel doesn’t want you to let go. Try as he might to avoid looking at you, he cant help his eyes from drifting over to you, cheeks flushed from the cold. He catches you looking up at the start of new snowfall, but he’s more than twice your age, and after too many hard winters the novelty has worn off. It’s a reminder of your innocence, and it bounces off the guilt he has for the feelings he has for you.

The walk is quiet save for the crunch of fresh snow between each of your boots, a pair of footprints left behind too close to make any excuses. He doesn’t look back to acknowledge them. Slowing his pace as he approaches your door and letting you take the lead up the steps to your porch, he briefly wonders if Ellie will be at home or not. Dina lives with you, he thinks he’s heard Ellie mention, maybe he could go inside just to check…

No. He can’t make excuses for himself now. He has to think of the excuses he’s going to give you in a second when you suggest exactly that. Although, if he beats you to it…  
“Could you, uh…” The hoarseness of his own voice startles him, and he clears his throat. It only adds to the awkward tone of the encounter.  
“Could you check if Ellie’s in there?” He finishes. You look back at him from the top of the steps, cheeks flushed from the cold, and falter in your stride.

“Come wait in the hall.” You say, and it’s a plea. Your eyes are begging him, a dark angelic presence in your voice. It poisons him against his own certainty and he accepts without second thought. The climb up the worn wooden steps of your house as you hold the door open for him is a self-betrayal, and although the hallway is warm he cannot be comfortable in your presence. He won’t allow himself even the smallest piece of heaven after all that he’s done. He closes the door behind him. You’ve already moved through the house, peeping into the kitchen and living room before heading upstairs. Its an eerie silence after spending so long in the hall.

When you come back down you look both relieved and disappointed.  
“She’s upstairs with Dina, sleeping.” Definitely disappointed.

You’re stood in front of him staring up, height difference he’d never really noticed glaringly obvious to him now. It makes you look so small, so vulnerable. The innocence that had created so much guilt in him earlier is suddenly filling him with a deep urge to protect you, to hold you, to shield you from everything wrong with the world, everything he never wanted you to experience, everything he had done.

“Joel…”

You reach out to grab his hand, and he freezes.

* * *

He’s suddenly thrown back to the first time he touched you. It was a brief and fleeting feeling that consumed him for days with a burning want for more affection. However as starved as he was, it remained a pressing itch he refused to scratch.

It had been a long day. Joel had been on patrol with Tommy for hours that morning, forced to wait out a snowstorm in one of the outposts for a couple of mind-numbing hours before a small but challenging cleanup on the way back. His brother wouldn’t shut up about how Maria always insisted she didn’t want kids, but had ended up practically adopting some new teenager who’d rocked up about a year ago. Every story Tommy ever told somehow managed to be both incredibly vague, and incredibly long, so those 2 hours holed up together was utter torment.

As soon as Joel got back he went for a quick nap. It had been a while since he’d found himself needing a rest in the middle of the day, and he suspected it was far more a product of emotional than physical drainage, but he indulged himself nonetheless. When he woke up it was dark already. _So much for a quick nap_.

Whatever time it was, somewhere around twilight, the hall was buzzing with excitement when Joel finally headed into town. The deep snow meant kids and their parents were outside building forts, making snow angels, and generally enjoying the weather. It was enough for Joel to crack a small smile as he headed up to the porch. He had whiskey on his mind.

As usual, his stool at the bar was free. Tommy kept it that way, so he was unsurprised to see his brother already perched next to it, beaming at him upon entry. Hopefully the stories would be cut short with the presence of other people – namely Maria on the other side of the bar. Joel greatly admired Maria for multiple reasons, but especially for being able to inoffensively tell Tommy to shut the fuck up.

“Whiskey?” Maria assumed, and Joel gave a nod and a thank you before she poured him a glass equal to her husband’s. There was a man on the other side of Tommy – Eugene, Joel thought he heard him called – and the two of them were having a heated discussion Joel didn’t fancy partaking in, so he turned his attention back to Maria.

“How’s things for you these days?” He asked, and Maria seemed slightly surprised Joel was initiating a conversation with her. She smirked a little before she replied.  
“Pretty good, lot of new blood, and most of it young, so the farm’s doing well. Not to mention that stash you and Tommy busted last week. We’ll have enough ammo for the rest of the season thanks to you boys.”

Joel cracked a small laugh at the idea of Maria conscripting every new teenager she gets to the farm immediately.  
“You do have to train them into patrols, you know.” He said, and he was glad when she took it as the joke he intended with a roll of her eyes and a wide grin.

“It’s the only place they’re useful at a time like this. Most of ‘em don’t even have shoes for winter weather, and you expect them to get on a horse?”  
Joel took a drink before he continued and watched Maria crack open a bottle on the edge of the bar.  
“Give em’ shovels.”

The two of them laughed and clinked glasses before taking another swig each, then looked to see Tommy and Eugene still deep in their discussion. With a roll of his eyes and a smirk, Joel turned back to Maria with a witty comment prepared, only to see her glaring over his shoulder. His ears instinctively tuned into the noise behind him as he tried to figure out what was going on.

“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” A brash voice rang clear through the noise of the bar, but no hush followed, and Joel relaxed. Usually, fights were preceded by an unsettling silence before the noise started up again. Maria was still glaring, though.

Joel’s body jerked forward as something collided with his back, hard, and his glass was almost sent over the edge of the bar. Maria yelled above the sudden commotion to try and control it but already the room was heating up. Whoever had been shoved towards him was clinging to Joel’s figure and he stood from his chair to see what was happening, glass set firmly on the bar with a slam.

You were stood with your back to him, trying to retreat further than Joel’s body and the bar would allow you, your back coming to press against his chest in your effort to stay as far away from the boy in front of you as possible. You felt _tiny_ pressed against Joel like this and he felt a strong urge flaring up in his chest to immediately get you out of harm’s way.

Harm’s way in this situation was a boy Joel had never seen around Jackson before, and judging by what Maria had been saying, probably one of the new residents. He had red hair, pulled into a long ponytail, and while fairly well built he clearly wasn’t quite old enough to grow a beard. Everyone around him seemed to be shrinking away slowly, and his expression was uncomfortably vicious for such a domestic space. It sent a strong instinctual aggressive response through Joel’s system.

“Hey! I’m talking to you-“

The boy shoved his way through the nearest couple of people who hadn’t yet had chance to move, arm extended to grab you by the collar, hair, throat – and you turned in fear directly into Joel’s chest. Saucer shaped eyes shot up to meet his in a plea for help, and he finally recognised that it was you. A million emotions flooded all of his senses as he remembered every rosy memory of that night 9 months ago. Before your assailant’s hand met the back of your neck, Joel’s arm shot out to grab it at the wrist mid-strike. You flinched into Joel and rushed under his arm as he gripped the boy’s wrist, staring daggers into suddenly regretful green eyes.

“S-sir please, she just-“

Tommy moved through the noisy crowd to his brother with urgency. It had been a long time since that expression had made its way across Joel’s face and it never meant anything good.

“ _Please_ mister I’m begging you, let me go!”

The darkness in Joel’s eyes was unfathomable as Tommy stepped to one side between him and the young man, the wrist Joel was gripping still held past his brother’s influence. Joel could feel your hands balled up in his shirt behind him, he could feel the fear in your trembling fingers as they vibrated against his waist. Tommy said something Joel didn’t quite get the gist of, more attuned to the panicked movements of your body behind him and the immense urge to protect you no matter what. He crushed the boy’s wrist in his hand until he cried out.

“Joel!” Maria shouted, and all surrounding noise immediately quietened. Joel grimaced and roughly shook the boy’s wrist out of his grip. Somewhere deep down, he had been looking forward to breaking it.

“Get out.” He grunted, over Tommy’ shoulder as he still stood between them, with direct and intense eye contact. The visible and tangible fear in the boy’s eyes sent a satisfactory rush down Joel’s spine that he remembered enjoying a long time ago, and he rolled his shoulders before refocusing on Tommy mid-sentence.

“-n’t think you were still like that, Joel.” His tone is disappointed, and he walks out after the boy who stumbled away seconds earlier.

Joel’s head did a 180 from punishment to comfort as he turned towards where you were huddled between him and the bar, ignoring the intensity he could feel Maria glaring at him with. He placed a comforting hand on your back and rubbed small circles through your shirt, feeling your erratic breathing calm under his touch. Somehow, it calmed him too. A lot of the people who witnessed any of the altercation had retreated from the heavy atmosphere, with others striking up new conversation, and new people entering the room, renewing the mood. A regular noise level started to build up around the two of you.

“You ok?” Joel ventured, crouching slightly to try and get a good look at your face. When you met his eyes he was relieved to see you hadn’t been crying. You let out a shaky breath.

“Yeah…” You cleared your throat momentarily before you continued. “Thanks, Mr Miller. I’m sorry I-”

Joel smiled at your politeness and waved you off, moving to lean against the bar next to you rather than tower over you. His one hand remained behind your back as a gentle calming presence for the both of you.  
“It’s Joel, and you ain’t got nothing to apologise for, darlin’.”

Mischief flashed across your eyes, and if Joel wasn’t mentally chastising himself for turning on the charm for a 20 year old, he would have savoured the glimpse at your personality beyond your manners. You looked up at him through thick eyelashes, eyes sparkling when you spoke again, your voice like velvet.

“Joel-“

Maria called your name and it shattered the moment. Joel’s hand shot from your back to his side as if he’d been caught doing something reprehensible, and your head snapped to stare wide-eyed at Maria with the same guilt. She was looking at you expectantly, and Joel picked his drink up for something to comfort him through the tension.

“Do you want to tell me what that was about?” She prompted, with a motherly tone. You hung your head a little and Joel zoned out as you spoke to Maria. The way you were fiddling with your shirt buttons as you avoided her stare, and the way you pouted when you were forced to make eye contact as Maria chastised you. The way your feet shuffled around on the floor in your worn out boots, and your hair fell in a protective veil around your embarrassed expression. Everything about you in that moment mesmerised Joel, and he couldn’t stop thinking about how you’d held him so urgently, like he was the only other person there, the only person you _wanted_ there.

He couldn’t stop thinking about how you might cling to him like that at other times, when the lights were out and it really was just the two of you, and he could finally know the smoothness of your skin and the warmth of your touch. He wanted to grip your waist like that again knowing he’d never have to let you go, knowing you really were safe in his arms to do with whatever he pleased, to give you the world and more. The way you’d said his name just then… he wanted to know how many other ways he could make you say it, how many other sweet whispers of yours he’d unlock if he just had you in his arms. He wanted you in your entirety.

“And you, Miller,” Maria started, and Joel was dragged back to reality feeling heavily flushed. You were looking right at him. He looked away.

“You’d better be damn glad that she didn’t get hurt, or you’d have me to answer to. Got it?”

For the next few weeks Joel is consumed by thoughts of you, constant daydreams of the two of you in a better place, in a better time. Not the same lust-driven stupors he’d found himself in that night at the bar, but real _dreams._ The two of you sat in tall grass together, the smell of flowers in the air. You, in a flowing summer dress, curled up on a picnic blanket, with a basket of homemade cakes and pastries. He fancied you a good cook. Joel could see it clearly in his mind’s eye. The white picket fence, the truck, the house, the dog, the kids…

* * *

None of that is possible.

Joel pulls his hand away from yours and your face falls. He swears he can see tears in your eyes, but all the light they would have reflected has been sucked out of them. You’re stood in the dark of your hallway staring right through him as always, and he’s only hoping that you see an empty shell like you should.

Without another word, he turns and leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as a timeline explanation:
> 
> \- joel and ellie arrived in jackson at the same time (ish) as the reader did  
> \- joel first meets reader 3 months after arrival (dance scene), reader is 19, ellie is 14/15  
> \- fight scene is 9 months after the dance scene and a year after arrival, so reader is 20, ellie is 15/16  
> \- for a point of reference in tlou2's story, the hotel scene happened 2 years after they arrived in jackson  
> -present day is happening when tlou2 would have happened, so 5 years after arrival, ellie is 19, reader is 24

**Author's Note:**

> SO i recently reworked/rewrote/heavily edited this whole thing, if you're new here then enjoy a better story all-round (i hope)  
> if you're returning then THANK YOU for your patience, honestly lockdown and finishing university kicked my ass creatively so thank you for baring with me while i got back into the swing of it


End file.
